SOCIAL SKILLS TRAINING
Tone policing, double standards, neurotypical bias, stigma, oppression
Social Skills Training can reflect neurotypical norms, meaning Autistic children are often taught how to socialise from a perspective that may differ significantly from their own. Autistic children have been shown to have better social engagement when they are with other autistic children than when they are with their neurotypical peers (Kasari et al., 2015). So finding the right group of people is ESSENTIAL for autistic people.
Evidence from Sasson et al., 2017 shows that neurotypical peers are often less willing to engage with autistic people, underscoring the need to educate neurotypical individuals about autistic communication. This disparity contributes to the increased risk of bullying and social exclusion experienced by autistic people.
how neurotypical social skills might look
how autistic social skills might look
EXAMPLES OF SOCIAL SKILL INTERVENTIONS
"Social Thinking"
"positive behaviour = good thoughts = I feel happy". "Whole body listening" - eyes watching, feet still, mouth quiet, hands still"
"Pivotal Response Training"
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15-20 hours of intervention a week
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Techniques from ABA
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"Reduce disruptive behaviours"
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"Reduce ritualistic behaviours"
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"Broaden children's interests
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"Improve verbal language as their primary communication."
"The Social Express"
"Attentive listening - look at who is talking, nodding their head"
"Demonstrate effective social judgment"
"Make appropriate conversational topic shifts"
"Terminate conversations by using appropriate behaviour, vocal changes"
"Communicate with others in an acceptable manner"
"Use eye contact to demonstrate interest in peer conversations"
"PEERS Social Skills"
"treatment program"
"Appropriate use of humour"
"Good sportsmanship"
"How to be a good host during get togethers"
"How to change a bad reputation"
"Early Start Denver Model"
"Treat core symptoms of autism by altering underlying brain structure to more closely resemble the development of neurotypical children"
Ableist language
assessment descriptors
The majority of assessments are based on neuronormative children and are designed to look for "social impairments". What's more, the people creating these assessments are not autistic - they are NT, which means there's an inherent bias in how these assessments are designed.
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"Gives too much / too little information"
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"Uses too many questions"
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"obsessional topics"
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"interrupts speaker frequently"
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"Says things that sound babyish"
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"Is babied, teased, or bullied by other children"
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Behaves in ways which seem strange or bizarre
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Has strange way of playing with toys
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Has difficulty “relating” to adults
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Is too tense in social settings
Autism Social Skills Profile (Bellini)
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"Maintains eye contact during conversations" -
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"Speaks with an appropriate volume" -
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"Provides compliments to others"
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"Politely asks others to move out their way"
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"Changes the topic of conversations to fit self-interests" -
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"Engages in solitary interests and hobbies"
Pragmatics Profile (CELF-4)
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"avoids use of redundant information"
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introduces appropriate topics of conversations"
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tells jokes / stories appropriate to the situation"
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shows appropriate sense of humour during communication situations"
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"offers to help others appropriately"
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responds to teasing, anger, failure, disappointment appropriately"
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"apologises / accepts apologies appropriately"
Social Skills assessment (Do2Learn)
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"I use appropriate body language when talking to someone"
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"Even when I am frustrated I am able to stay calm" -
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"When talking to someone who I don't know well, I avoid such topics such as religion"
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"I wear appropriate clothing to school"
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"I avoid showing strange behaviours e.g. making noises in public"
DOUBLE STANDARDS
Expectations such as “remaining calm when frustrated,” “apologising appropriately,” or “responding to teasing in an appropriate way” are variable and context-dependent—even among neurotypicals. It is therefore unclear what constitutes an “appropriate” response, and whether such standards are applied consistently. These terms are inherently subjective, culturally influenced, and shaped by the perspectives of those making the judgments, raising important questions about whose norms are being prioritised.
There are clear double standards in how social expectations are applied to autistic children, who are often expected to conform to rigid and sometimes unrealistic social norms, and may be blamed or shamed when they are unable to meet them. Encouraging autistic children to suppress their natural traits to appear more neurotypical can negatively impact self-esteem, reinforcing the message that their way of thinking and interacting is “wrong.” This can contribute to masking, associated with poorer mental health outcomes, and may lead to a persistent sense of low self-worth.
Efforts to make autistic children appear “indistinguishable from their peers” risk framing autism as something to be hidden or corrected, rather than understood and accepted.
There is a clear irony in labelling autistic people as having social deficits while overlooking similar behaviours in neurotypical people. Many neurotypical people interrupt, talk over others, dominate conversations, fail to listen, or show limited awareness of others’ feelings. Yet these behaviours are rarely framed as “impairments.” This double standard highlights how social expectations are unevenly applied and disproportionately pathologise autistic communication.
It's OK to....
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spend time alone engaging in hobbies and enjoying solitude
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talk at length about things you love & info-dump (even if others find it boring)
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be your authentic self and express yourself, even if it looks 'strange or bizarre'
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show 'strange behaviours' in public e.g. echolalia, stimming
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express big feelings like anger - this is self-regulation and self-advocacy
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advocate for yourself if you are being bullied or teased
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ask questions when you don't understand something
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'interrupt a speaker (they might be ignoring you, dominating the conversation)
It's NOT ok to...
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label a child's speech is "babyish".
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infer that a child who's being "bullied or teased" is linked with their 'social deficits' or that there's something wrong with them
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expect a child in distress to "stay calm" for the sake of being polite
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expect a child to "pay compliments" to others. They're children!
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expect a child to be polite / submissive if they are being "bullied or teased"
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expect a 3-year old to: 'relate to adults' - perspective-taking skills typically start emerging from Age 10 onwards.
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make assumptions and assign judgment of behaviours which others deem as inappropriate
TONE-POLICING
Tone policing is when the focus is placed on how something is said rather than what is being communicated. For autistic people, this can be particularly problematic. Communication often involves managing many processes at once - choosing the right words, controlling tone of voice, organising thoughts, coordinating speech, regulating emotions, and processing sensory input. As a result, comments such as “you sounded rude” may overlook the significant cognitive and sensory effort involved in simply expressing a message.
"Turn-taking"
Turn-taking is a shared, relational aspect of conversation, yet Speech and Language Therapy assessments often frame autistic children’s differences in this area as “impaired” rather than context-dependent.
Turn-taking is not a simple or uniform skill - it's messy, fast-paced, and highly dependent on context. People do not follow neat conversational rules: they interrupt, overlap, and talk simultaneously all the time, often without any rudeness or negative intent. Conversation Analysis clearly shows that real-life conversations are disjointed and unpredictable.
Opportunities to speak are not always clearly signposted. Sometimes there are pauses but often there are only split seconds to respond - or no pause at all, meaning you have to talk over someone to be heard. These challenges are amplified in group settings with dominant speakers, or in environments like video calls where social cues are harder to interpret.
Yet despite this, autistic people are frequently judged as having “poor” turn-taking skills. This ignores both the inherent complexity of conversation and the fact that autistic communication styles (such as info-dumping) represent differences, not deficits. Autistic people are often managing anxiety, processing differences, word-finding difficulties, and have a literal perception of language, all while trying to keep up with fast-moving dialogue. At the same time the environment itself can be overwhelming - noise, crowded spaces, bright lights, and constant sensory input competing.
